My first bully.

Now that I am actively working on getting out of his apartment FOR GOOD! 

After the events of the hospital, my BIG secret is out. I should feel at peace? Why is my heart pounding!?! I told Charlie if we should tell security he’s no longer allowed in my room, we agreed to only take it there if he actually tried to show up. I kept telling them I wanted my mom to pick me up and no one was listening. He hired a great pr team. “He told me last night he wanted to pick you up.” “Yeah. Just call him”. I waited until I was home to let him know I had been discharged. He said it’s ok he got busy anyway to call him tomorrow! “I’m not. We are never talking again.” I thought in my head.  

As I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower I started receiving memories not of all the times he physically abused me, worse, all of his apologies. They made me feel cheap. All I wanted to do was scrub my body. Unfortunately sponge baths until Sunday. Father’s Day, Sunday. I could no longer look at pictures of us together. “WTF is happening that’s my dad!?!” I started to feel nauseous at every picture of us together. “Is it the meds I’m on?” “Am I being dramatic?” I could not wait to speak to my therapist. 

I have always used Miss Mary Jane to cope and numb myself. Hey Siri play Numb by Linkin Park! 😝 my survival anthem since I was in elementary school! See one night my mom decided to go out with her friends. He came home demanding I tell him where she was. Sir???? Why aren’t you with your new gf! I kept telling him I don’t know my mom’s schedule. He accused me of lying and made that awful face he would make before striking me. Espantoso. Horroroso. He’ll deny this. He left my mom. He survived her. He also told me a lie that I kept hidden FOR YEARS out of fear and I won’t ever forgive that. Me vale. My mom and sisters were my only everything at one point so wtf were his intentions? 

After calling the hotline one night all I wanted was my mother’s comfort. Mama’s boy through and through. 🙂‍↕️ she could hear I was upset and told me to forgive, look at what the guilt is doing to me she told me. I said right now I just want your love. She said yes but as your mom it’s my job to correct you. I interrupted her because my emotions were EVERYWHERE. She asked if he had sexually abused me. I started hyperventilating. Where is this coming from???? I thought his abuse was only verbal all these years. Still not ok. I scared the crap out my mother and she told me just go to bed and first thing in the morning I’ll give you that hug. She’s an Aquarius lol she comforts with actions. 

From a very young age my father showed me explicit movies. That’s as far as I am willing to remember at the moment. Not without my therapist. This is also how I started to cope. By watching pornography. Something he would shame me for all throughout my teen years. Pot calling kettle black. 🥲✨ here’s my story. I survived my WORST bully.